The QUEEN of all Skills

Crimes against people and animals, religious biases induced hate crimes, honour killing, rapes, murders, assault and abuse, drug trafficking and vandalism. All of these words sound so familiar to us. The reason being, most of these words are a part of our regular news feed. Every single day, we have at least one headline of a rape or child abuse or murder. In this era, all of this has become so common, that many of us might not even cringe after coming across such words. Few might say, all of these crimes and may be beyond have been a part of history too. So why cringe now? The question rather should be, have we become so insensitive that a murder or rape or assault does not disgust us anymore?

Each and every year, the crime rates have been increasing. And I cannot help but wonder, how the world would have been if people understood how important a trait EMPATHY is? What if everyone possessed this skill? I bet the world would have been a far better place to live in. 

Empathy is the ability to understand the feelings of others. Putting yourself in another's shoes and sharing how they feel. It is simply realizing that everyone has their own battles to fight, and someone else's pain is equally meaningful. Because when you understand someone else's pain, you would naturally want to do something to ease that pain and just like that concern, kindness, love and compassion is born. 

Empathy leads you to understand someone else's perspective, feeling their emotions and finally taking action to help ease their pain. It does sound easy yet only approximately 20% of the total world population is empathic, according to a research. Only 20%! Now I hope you see where the major problem starts. 

We never think how hurt a person might feel when we are rude towards them, we do not think how our parents might feel when we shout back at them and neither do we never gauge how a woman feels after someone eve-teased her. If at all we knew the pain we cause through our behaviour, if at all we developed empathy, the crime rates would have fallen and you could have felt better about yourself. 

Many of us might think "I show sympathy towards to people, so I am empathic too". Let me correct you there, Sympathy and Empathy are two different abilities. Majority of us can sympathize but not empathize. 

Sympathy

Empathy

Sympathy and Empathy are different. Sympathy means to feel bad for someone's misfortune. Whereas, Empathy means to understand exactly how the other person feels as if you have felt it yourself. Even if sympathy is an important ability, Empathy has higher significance. A person who is empathic can perceive new viewpoints, will be able to relate to others easily, will be open to feedback and new perspectives, will be kind and compassionate, will be easily approachable and above all will have an higher chances of realizing his goals. It also helps to be curious, a great listener, open-minded and self-aware. 

This skill has so much power that it is now also recognized as an important professional skill. Managers who are empathic are proved to work better and move the corporate ladder at a higher rate compared to non-empathic managers. 

You can start developing Empathy any time, or better NOW. 

1. Be Self-aware. Identify your own feelings and accept it. This is linked with Emotional intelligence. And in today's world, EQ is more important than IQ.  (Want to know more about Self Awareness and Emotional Intelligence? Stay updated on my blog... )

2. Ask others for their opinions and perspectives. Have a healthy discussion about the differences in your opinions. And accept what you have learned rather than being egoistic.

3. Get out of your comfort zone. Talk to people and understand their lives. 

4. Give and take feedback. Constructive feedbacks are essential and can not only develop Empathy but your overall personality.

5. Be aware of your biases. Majority of us were brought up with biases which we never realised. A classic example- MEN WILL BE MEN. Yes! This is a bias being fed to us regularly. And so many more. Identify your biases and UNLEARN them. That is when you start feeling more compassionate towards others.

6. Be an active listener. Do not just listen because some one is talking, rather listen to understand, to give back an effective opinion but without being judgemental.

7. Develop ambitions and goals that would lead to a social change. Remember You are not here just to receive but also to give back. When you start to give back to the society, your mission starts from there. 

8. Communicate! Open-up and be frank of what you feel. You might realize there is something more to the story only when you speak how you felt.

This is the age of Self Introspection, where people believe in self-awareness and therapy; where people believe it is important to have peace and not just wealth. 

It is time to develop the most powerful skill, the Queen of all skills- EMPATHY. This will open more doors with amazing opportunities for you because your perspective of the whole world is about to change.

Hope your life changes for the good as you develop Empathy! Wishing you luck.

Is it OK to be confused?

I had this topic in my mind from quite some time now but I kept postponing this topic but more than any other time, today this question is more important as we keep asking this question to ourselves. We all are going through an unprecedented crisis. This COVID-19 has hit us all hard, and 2020 seems to be blurring already. Tragic news surrounds us every other day. People losing jobs, not able to survive financially, dying and so much more.

All this hits us, it starts messing with our emotional stability. We start feeling anxious, lost about our lives direction, stressed about our future and confused of how things will turn out to be. And trust me, everyone around is facing similar difficulties.

And yes, it is absolutely OK to be confused. This is one of my major understandings from Michelle Obama’s memoir- Becoming. Can you imagine? Even the former first lady of USA was confused about her choices. As outsiders, we think the great personalities- the celebrities, the politicians, the leaders all had a path defined and followed them and became successful. But that is never the story. Their choices made them great and successful. And yes they too were confused many a times, they too felt lost amidst the chaos, but they were emotionally strong people to come out of it all and emerge stronger and better than before.

Times like today test us for our mental capabilities. But that is how we grow through life. We cannot stagnate our abilities. We need to keep learning and growing.

Yet when a person gets any tragic news they start questioning themselves on how things will turn out for them. Here are few things you could do when you think the situation is going out of control and you cannot manage anymore.

1. Reason out why you are stressed. Is it a toxic relationship, or any issue with the family, or financial issues, or career choices? Generally, when we feel lost or depressed, it is because things are not happening the way we planned it. Sit and think whether you can change your plan, or may be what is happening now is all for the best.
2. You are always in control. You can change the way you feel by walking out of that toxic relationship, or by talking to your close ones. Feeling depressed and doing nothing about it will not help.
3. Note down the things you are grateful about. In such a crisis, if you still have a roof above you, food to eat thrice a day, friends and family support, you are luckier than majority people around. Be grateful. Gratitude each and every day brings in positivism.
4. Exercise. Exercise is proven to produce an increase in endorphins, which can make us feel less depressed and works out as a booster for many.
5. Improve your Spirituality Quotient- Meditation or praying helps to feel we are in control. You might be an atheist- but my point is BELIEVE- either in god, or in science/ universe or in energy. You need to believe in at least one of these to move ahead with a positive outlook. Pray if you believe in god or meditate if you do not.
6. Sort your thoughts. If possible, write it down in a journal or a book. When you write it down it relieves the stress from you. Write whatever is in your mind and read it to yourself. This enables you to feel that the burden is released from your shoulders.
7. Help others. For a lot many, helping other brings peace to their mind. Volunteer to help. India is going through crisis, no better time to help others than now. Helping others will make you feel good.
8. Most importantly speak. Talk it out to any trusted person, a friend or a family. And if you think that is not possible. Talk to a stranger. Call the helpline numbers available and just tell them how you feel. They are trained to listen and to help you feel good.

All these are tried and tested methods by me (except the helpline call method). I have used each of these and yes they have benefited immensely. So this is not a rant, but something that I have tried out myself…

If you are not depressed and are happy about the way things are working out for you, still these steps will be helpful to you. Because, someone close to your heart might be breaking down at this moment. Remember to observe your close ones behaviour, remember to LISTEN to them and not mock at them. Such are the times when you stand up for yourself and for your near and dear ones.

We need to understand that being sad is not same as being depressed. Depression is far more terrible. It does not have sad faces rather it hides behind smiling faces. It makes a person feel helpless and lost. It is something that drains your energy so much that you lose all your motivation. You just go by your daily routine without any motive. Such behaviour when prolonged is depression. Being sad for two days is not depression and it is high time we identify depression and work on it. Depression needs professional help and do not stop yourself from communicating to a professional. 

There is an interesting research called as ‘Gallup world poll’. It surveys people from various countries to try and find out reasons and solutions for various social concerns. An interesting point from Gallup world poll is about happiness. It proves that people are happy based on the money they make only up to a certain limit. Beyond that limit, the happiness levels do not show considerable difference. So, if you are earning 25 lac today and feel you are happiest, chances are that even after earning 50 lac you will still feel the same level of happiness. Funny isn’t it? Especially because how we Indians (read- educated Indians) relate money and happiness so much that we think only money can bring us happiness and solve our problems. While chasing money, we forget our family and friends giving way to poor mental health. 

Money is important but what is more important is happiness and mental health. You might earn all the money in the world but be tensed and stressed and will not be able to enjoy the money you earned.

Happiness lies in the relationship we maintain with ourselves and with others around us. It is time to prioritise happiness and mental peace before its too late… 

It is ok to be confused! It is absolutely fine to be sad! But it is not ok to be depressed. It's not the way of life. Reach out to yourself and to others for there are helping hands around always.

If you ever feel low (especially for students), here are few videos that might motivate you to be your better versions

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGtJE58bli0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEDChDOM1_U

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1j0pokKf2e0

A Thousand Splendid Suns- Khaled Hosseini

Have you ever read a book or watched a movie with a happy yet a pain-soaked ending? And if you have experienced something like that, did you then hope for the climax to change even when you realised the climax did justice to the story?

'A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini' is one such beautiful story filled with sobs and sorrows and a happy but tear-filled climax that shakes your soul.

'A Thousand Splendid Suns' is a story of two women, Mariam and Laila from Herat and Kabul respectively, in Afghanistan. Set in the phase of political turmoil in Afghanistan, ranging from the Soviet rule to Taliban taking reigns in its hand; it is a heart-wrenching tale revolving around the worlds of two Afghani women, whose destinies, filled with sufferings and miseries, brought them under one roof. Though coming together did not end their miseries, they did find solace in each others' sorrows. There are some other perfectly-placed characters without whom the story would not have seemed complete.

The narration, in simple lucid language, moves like a motion picture in front of your eyes and is complemented by words of emotions, capable of moving even a heart made of stone. It proves to be a smooth blend of the protagonists' lives connected with historical significance of the events in the background.

The real beauty of the book is its plot which is unpredictable yet persuasive.  Just when you start to feel a bit calm and convinced, and expect no more misfortune for either of the protagonists; the twist in the tale leaves you shocked and shaken, and since the story is surrounded by a series of true chronology, you can’t complain of drama.

The story brings in multiple themes of love, terror, suppression of women and hopes together and weaves it all into a beautiful heart-wrenching story.

After reading this book, I could not read any other book for almost two months. This book has raised my expectations from every other book and I could not read anything else with the fear of not fulfilling these expectations. 

Rarely, do we come across such a book or a movie that change our perspective by tearing us apart from within. Even after so long, the book's story remains in my heart and Mariam & Laila still invokes pain in me. And truth to be told, every woman is a Mariam or a Laila, with her own struggles yet giving out happiness. 

One beautiful aspect of the novel is even if the story is filled with hardships and sorrows, a strong sense of Love fills throughout the story. And isn’t it Love that makes us do all impossible tasks. Both Mariam and Laila, despite all the sorrows are filled with Love until the very end.

Khaled Hosseini mentions that he wrote the book so that the world knows what the women and families had endured in the Taliban hit Afghanistan, and yes he does justice to his mission. But more importantly, the story teaches you to be grateful of what we have by not taking anything or anyone for granted. And to treat everyone with kindness because you do not know the story of strength that person holds.  

The story teaches us love, being grateful, endurance and strength and that Life will never be easy, yet we all have something to accomplish here, in this world, may be for ourselves or for others... Yet how easily we forget ourselves among all the world's chaos. How easily we believe we aren't good enough. 

Life and Love are the most beautiful gifts. Make sure you gift both of it to all or at least to some. 

“Mariam is in Laila’s own heart, where she shines with the bursting radiance of a thousand splendid suns”- though Mariam is betrayed constantly by the men in her society, she still finds the strength to love beyond all and her ultimate action emphasises how strong women can be and how they shine on with sacrifices.

PS- "A Thousand Splendid Suns" is one of the best works of Khaled Hosseini. If you haven't read it yet, this is the time to read it.